SCHOOL IS OVER!!! FINALLY!!!!!!!!!
SCHOOL IS OVER!!! FINALLY!!!!!!!!!
Today I finally deactivated my tumblr account... it feels good for it not to have such a hold on me. Unfortunately there are SO many more distractions from the internet that I still am having a lot of trouble staying focused on my literature class FINAL ESSAY that was due THE DAY BEFORE TOMORROW!! I spoke with my teacher a few days ago about it and we decided to start over again which I am currently working on. So far this essay has fallen apart and been restarted 3 times and honestly it's looking like there's going to be 4 :/. I always explain my executive dysfunction disorder to my parents like every night but they either don't get it or don't believe me. I know my dad doesn't but I'm not ENTIRELY sure that my mom does... she tries her best to be accomodating but she gets frustrated which is honestly understandable. I am frustrated at myself as well for procrastinating and pushing everything towards the last minute. The problem is, everyone thinks I'm like this on purpose!! WHY would I be like this on purpose when all I want is to show my teachers that I understood their classes (which I do)?? Every time I decide to give up for the day I just feel guilty because of how much time all the people helping me have put into this, and there's just no paying off because it's like I physically can't hold up my end of the deal. They're being so nice and to everyone else it must seem like I don't care when really I do!!
Another thing that will happen, though, is that I will go see my friends from my old school this weekend. We're going to go to a history museum together and I think it will be very fun and will make me less stressed. It'll be the first time I see them in a while and I'm excited!! :) IN OTHER NEWS: I have been listening to the same music I listened to in fall of last year and it's fun because I'm sort of transporting myself to that time and space where I listened to music like this. Last fall was so nice, but I think next fall will be better.
I'm also thinking of redoing this page but I don't have many ideas so far.
Recently I have been thinking about my own perception of myself and my future in the world. I think that's expected considering how it is something I experience every second of my life! But still it's weird finding yourself unpacking your own motives after you say something that might even just be arbitrary. Recently I have been daydreaming a lot about an alternate universe where I am very powerful (and sarcastic)... and I think that sort of proves that I am self absorbed. I also took an online quiz test about how self-centered I am and I got like a 25 out of 30 on it!!! Luckily I didn't get any points in the manipulatory part of the test, but it feels weird to be self aware of such a thing. How many other people that I may know also be secretly very self absorbed but are aware of it and are making the choice to stop?? I don't even know if I AM self absorbed, like for sure, because in the end it was just an online quiz and some things I think of recently. WHATEVER!!!! I'll think more about this later, I have a zoom meeting to get to.
Today is shaping up to be another nothing day. I think I can't keep blaming this on quarantine, and I'm afraid once it's all over I'll still feel the same on days like these... I feel like a cat pacing around a tiny cage. The internet is so artificial and nutritionless but now it's most of the world I live in. I have to get out!! I have to work at a grocery store or meet my friends or explore an abandoned quarry or something!! But the thing is, the main reason for my slothness isn't the restrictions anyway, because I can of course work ata grocery store or meet my friends or explore an abandoned quarry with a mask on. The real reason is that I simply don't have the motivation. Like, I can only want to do something instead of actually doing it. It is TOOTALLY the mentol iwness.
ANOTHER THING: I think going to my therapist isn't really doing anything? Like there's only so much to talk about, and it all relies on literally if I can remember what we talked about or not. Also the medication my therapist is giving me isn't really doing anything, it only makes me feel worse when I'm not on it rather than better when I AM on it. Do you see the problem??? I know I'm not stuck here but it sure feels like it. I hope I can maintain being self aware about my circumstances, because if I stop at any time, that will be the point of no return.
I think today so far is looking up! I had an AWFUL day yesterday (it was so boring... all I did was sit in an auditorium for like 8 hours) so of course today is a lot better in comparison. ALSO!! I made some new friends today, they're very fun to talk to and they seem like a good friend group to be in!! Unfortunately I feel like I don't really fit in with them, because they have a lot of differences from me that I think they became friends because of. Oh well, either way I will see what happens. Today we were talking about countries and food and for some reason it seems like we talk about countries and food every time we meet up with one another. Is that just Our Thing?? That seems nice, but I'd rather have more Things to be honest............ I also want to form a club with them where we all meet up on Fridays to walk around the city and to just see what we discover. I don't know if it will be possible but I'm definitely looking foreward to it if it ever really happens!
Right now I'm having a less-good day than usual, and luckily the weather agrees with me that today is very gloomy. I woke up with my room feeling really crusty in like an energy-wise way. It was like when you wake up and have that crust in your eyes but it was the air in the room. I felt itchy and crumb-y even though there weren't crumbs in my room. I think I'm feeling better now, but honestly I'm still sullen. It's at times like these I wish I had a friend who lived in my same building, and I could go over to their house and hang out. I think that would be fun... but oh well.
I've also been thinking about the future of New York City a lot this morning, and I don't know if it was the coffee, but it was really making me nervous. Because of coronavirus many upper-classes people are leaving for smaller cities or have left already. I bought this book on New York's recent history and the author says that the pandemic is comparable to the 70's Fiscal Crisis. I haven't read far enough to figure out what the Fiscal Crisis is but it sounds serious. OK I just looked it up, and apparently it is when basically the city couldn't afford to exist anymore and sort of fell apart. I think that might just be what's happening right now. The city is too afraid to tax the rich (who are, by the way, making NY even MORE expensive) even though the rich could really afford paying their fair share. From this article: "Today, New York is on the verge of another great dismantling, with the mayor considering huge layoffs and the MTA weighing massive service cuts as the federal government dithers and the state resists any discussion of raising taxes on its wealthiest citizens—whose portfolios have swelled during the pandemic—because it fears they will abandon New York for places where it is cheaper to be rich."Well that sure is something. At least now they're leaving because of Covid-19... but is that even good or bad? Either way, I think something very big is slowly coming towards us and the feeling grows greater every day. Am I just thinking about it a little too much? There has to be someone who is feeling the same. I should talk to my friends about it, I think they'd have something to say and I want to listen to it.
IN OTHER NEWS. I made some new friends the other day and I am beginning to talk to my old ones more. So that's pretty good :)
See you next time! Houg
Today I woke up feeling great. It was probably because I had a very interesting dream. My dream was about watching a movie about some sort of futuristic team of people trying to save the city from a scary organization. I remember only one character extremely clearly, she was the main hero of the movie and since me and my sister had known her before real life and the movie diverged I paid attention to her a lot. She also looked like someone from my cross country team last year. Anyways, the villains were these two girls who were best friends in kindergarten but then combined energies in middle school to activate their ultimate power. Their ultimate power was to cause massive waves to hit the coast of the city, so massive that people put up tall hills to keep them from flooding the city. But no matter how tall they made the hills a bit of water would still spray through. It was pretty wild. The main hero also had a friend, a man with a face my subconcious stole from a video game. He was very handsome but not in a celebrity way, more like a "just some guy" way if you know what I mean? Anyways, when a missile the kindergarten besties hit a wall next to him a chunk of concrete from the ceiling fell down and hit him. So the main hero had to clone him to bring him back! I don't remember why because in the dream my sister turned off the show and started playing minecraft on the tv. So that was my dream! I wonder if I'll ever see the heroes or the villanous besties ever again in another dream. I've never had a reacurring character in my dreams (one that I completely made up, I mean) but I hope I do after this!!!
Today and yesterday I have been listening to a lot of Jack Stauber's music while not paying attention to my schoolwork. It feels GREAT!!! I think his music is very unique and remind me of musical theater but cooler and more incomphrehensible. He's like a one-man chorus, with a capablitity to stretch his voice wide and thin. His beard is also pretty cool. I sort of want to be like him one day because it's obvious he's being himself but not even in a "what's your brand" way, he's just vibing!! And I admire it. ALSO: I'm thinking of adding something new to this page because it's getting a little old, the main page especially. I want to change around the colors or the shape and font of the elements. Maybe something very green-themed instead of yellow? Also I want to figure out how to make a custom audio player for the music at the top of my home page because I need to add the credit to it somehow. IN OTHER NEWS... It's a very nice day outside today and I want to take advantage of that somehow because I KNOW it's going to start raining like crazy once April (or like, the essence of April) comes to the present. What I mean by the essence of April is like the feeling of it being April. You know how sometimes the holiday spirit in December might come early or late? That's the essence of December! The calendar has mostly nothing to do with it except that it named the essences to tell them apart I think. Well, I definitely can feel the essence of March. It's like late autumn but if winter came first. You know? The in-between seasons (Spring, Autumn) always have a very potent yet similar yet strange vibe to it all. SO YEAH! I've also been having a GREAT day in terms of Thursdays, so far nothing too serious has gone on. Most of the time the amount of classes I have today overwhelm me but that hasn't happened today. I hope it stays like this for the rest of the day! To whoever may be reading this: I hope you have as good of a day today as I am :).
have a great afternoon, Houg
I'm feeling better today which is nice. I made a GREAT smoked salmon and salad and garlic cream cheese sandwich today which tasted amazing partly because the toast I put it on was cooked in the perfect way. At first I was concerned about how one side had been cooked completely and the other side very clean and unaffected but THEN I had an idea: I decided to put the toasted part on the outside so that it would have a crunchy exterior and a soft inside :). I think that was a pretty smart decision not gonna lie. Also, I want to go to the aquarium with my friends soon, I think it would be fun :] but we will see. It might not be open because of the virus but I'll take a look RIGHT AT THIS VERY MOMENT.
the end of today's entry!!!
Ok so I was originally going to make this page on my site as like a diary from the perspective of one of my ocs but I don't really know what to put in it so I guess it'll just be a regular blogging page from now on if that makes sense. Also I stole this page layout from here because I thought it looked neat. It does right?? Now all I have to do is code in links from the other pages to here. Or perhaps I'll keep this part secret.... anyways.
Today has been a really crummy day. All I did today was wake up from a gross dream and sit in front of my computer for probably over 6 hours, melting my brain on tumblr. I tried to do some creative writing but I had to stop because my mindset for it was ruined when I found out something bad about a song I liked. AND to top it all off there's an annoying sour taste in my mouth. bleh. But I think tomorrow will be better because I'm going to go to the museum with my mom which will be the first time I stepped outside in like a whole WEEK... or maybe just a few days... I don't know. Like veryone else during quarantine my perception of time is really really off.
During this time (just like this whole month and the one before it) I have been thinking a lot about what I remember and what I forget. And I think about which days I'm going to view as a blur and which days I will remember afterwards. I think today will be a day I forget. sigh... I should really be writing this down on paper. I have to stop looking at screens all day!!! who cares if I can't finish homework that way!! It's for HEALTH!!!!!
Frustratedly and tiredly, Houg