01/10/22
I miss my old layout in 2021 with the sidebars and the center scroll... :( I think I'll go back to something like it... Happy new year by the way!
I miss my old layout in 2021 with the sidebars and the center scroll... :( I think I'll go back to something like it... Happy new year by the way!
I remade my tumblr account a few days ago but honestly I'm considering deleting it again like I did last June. I hope that if I do, I'll make the decision to stop checking people's blogs online (off the app) so often. I just want less excuses to not be doing homework. I don't even know WHY I made a tumblr account again in the first place, I guess I just felt like it. Perhaps... I'll just keep it in green aesthetics for now... I don't want to be involved in any kind of drama or discourse. Last time, I deleted my account because I was getting sent hate mail. Maybe this time around I should lay low and stop treating that website like it's something I NEED to check instead of something I want to. Like... Have you ever scrolled through your feed on a social media website just to scroll through it, and not actually reading any posts? That's what I've been doing, and it sucks up a lot of my time where I could be having actual fun. BLEH. I'll figure this out eventually. But for now... I need to put up some kind of toll station in front of that website inside of my brain. Like a checkpoint I have to pass through or something. That way I'll easily be able to discern wether or not tumblr is actually worth checking in that moment.
Today I really noticed how much available space is left in that gigabyte neocities gives users for free... I have like 48 megabytes stored on here and it's suprised me how little of a fraction that is of a gigabyte!! I wonder how much I can store on here while remaining under the limit. If I ever go on top of the 1GB limit then I'll probably have upgraded to premium by then. I can't imagine not having enough space on this website... But considering how many pages this website has, one whole gigabyte would mean I must have uploaded a whole series of books or something. If I ever get close to a gigabyte on this website will I even have anything left to make pages about??
Sorry to make another negative entry in this blog within the week but I have to get this out of my system. Today I was listening to Kate Bush's Running Up That Hill and found out that Meg Myers made a cover of it, and so I listened to it, and it was really good! But then I looked at the comments of the music video. There were dozens of comments talking about "returning to hypoborea" so I looked up what that meant. Apparently, the concept "hypoborea" is a nazi conspiracy theory about white people coming from the south pole or something. Someone on twitter had made it into a meme, and like most right-leaning memes are, it was hard to tell wether they were just kidding or not. Like, were they laughing at the conspiracy theorist nazis or with them?? I wish people didn't bother with that stuff because it's known that the alt-right often recuits young white men through memes on social media... It sounds just ludicrous enough to be true. I remember seeing a clip of a documentary someone did on this phenomenon and they had found a set of guidelines posted somewhere online about how to recruit people to become radically conservative and bigoted using memes. "It's just a joke" is what they always use as an excuse until they actually mean what they're joking about. Anyways. I wish I had never seen that and I wish these awful people would leave Running Up That Hill alone. UGH.
Not to post this but........ I am sad to admit that this website is not immune to having weirdos on it :( In general I try to avoid them but I don't think it's possible to block people on neocities. Although I don't think I'll be interacting with any weirdos anyways, or having any interact with me, because this site is less focused on interaction and more focused on myself. Kind of like an archive in a way. And somewhere to practice HTML and CSS on. Also by weirdos I'm talking about the kind of people who donate to ao3 during a pandemic. So yeah. ANYWAYS see ya next time I am going to do some homework now......
Right now I am at a school computer typing in this entry. This school computer has a really large screen, which I'm not really used to considering my own personal computer is much smaller. I coded this website on that computer so now that it's on a differently sized screen everything looks really weird. I don't feel like redoing it to fit a certain size because that would be a lot of work but instead I want to add a frame to the home page so that it'll all be proportioned correctly when viewed on The Big Screen. I'm sure it'll look at least a bit understandable if I do that??? Like maybe????
Recently I've been writing in my notebook a LOT. It's really been helping me get things out of my mind and onto paper which is always very good. School has started and I still haven't finished reading Gilgamesh, but so far nobody's talking about it which is making me a bit relieved and also a bit worried. When will the next shoe drop??
I've also started talking to my friends from freshman year again which is cool. I missed them so much!!!
Additionally, I have TOTALLY left an era of mine. Not saying what this era entails BUT! I am glad to be over it. My next era is struggling to be born but I know it'll be much better when I get into the swing of things this school year. It'll be like... VERY -ember and -ober -y. Fall and Winter months at the end of the year have such a vibe to them whenever I remember the ones from the past. I hope this ember ober season is the most vibecious one yet!!! Wooo!!!!
For these last few weeks I have focused too much on things that don't matter. I thought it was just me thinking about myself in the future but really it was about be being lonely. The thing is... I don't think I should be worried about that right now, you know? Sometimes I need to catch myself when I start frustrating myself over things that don't matter right now! WHY am I getting into a whole Thing over a relationship that litcherally does not exist when I should be reading the epic of Gilgamesh and writing a short analysis on a paragraph that spoke to me????!?!!?!?!?!?!? HELLO??
Anyways. This is just another step in my journey of Getting Over It. I know the nature of humanity is that we will never truly be over everything but I would still like to try my best to get over this specific thing. The only problem is... I do not know how to do that :(. BUT LIKE ALSO making this blog post is still worth it because it is making my thoughts on this situation permanent and more likely to be remembered!!!!!
I can't wait for school to start again so I can finally be able to worry about things that are easy to solve, like assignments. BLEH.
The summer is going by fast but luckily it has not gone by wasted. I've been doing SO MUCH baking, practically a new thing more than once a week!!! Recently I have made a blueberry muffin cake and also some chocolate cookies. Every time I bake something it's always such an encouragement to bake something else another day because I feel like I'm getting better every time! I think everyone should try baking every now and then. I used to think I'd be bad at it but honestly it's been going pretty well not gonna lie!
SCHOOL IS OVER!!! FINALLY!!!!!!!!!
Today I finally deactivated my tumblr account... it feels good for it not to have such a hold on me. Unfortunately there are SO many more distractions from the internet that I still am having a lot of trouble staying focused on my literature class FINAL ESSAY that was due THE DAY BEFORE TOMORROW!! I spoke with my teacher a few days ago about it and we decided to start over again which I am currently working on. So far this essay has fallen apart and been restarted 3 times and honestly it's looking like there's going to be 4 :/. I always explain my executive dysfunction disorder to my parents like every night but they either don't get it or don't believe me. I know my dad doesn't but I'm not ENTIRELY sure that my mom does... she tries her best to be accomodating but she gets frustrated which is honestly understandable. I am frustrated at myself as well for procrastinating and pushing everything towards the last minute. The problem is, everyone thinks I'm like this on purpose!! WHY would I be like this on purpose when all I want is to show my teachers that I understood their classes (which I do)?? Every time I decide to give up for the day I just feel guilty because of how much time all the people helping me have put into this, and there's just no paying off because it's like I physically can't hold up my end of the deal. They're being so nice and to everyone else it must seem like I don't care when really I do!!
Another thing that will happen, though, is that I will go see my friends from my old school this weekend. We're going to go to a history museum together and I think it will be very fun and will make me less stressed. It'll be the first time I see them in a while and I'm excited!! :) IN OTHER NEWS: I have been listening to the same music I listened to in fall of last year and it's fun because I'm sort of transporting myself to that time and space where I listened to music like this. Last fall was so nice, but I think next fall will be better.
I'm also thinking of redoing this page but I don't have many ideas so far.
Recently I have been thinking about my own perception of myself and my future in the world. I think that's expected considering how it is something I experience every second of my life! But still it's weird finding yourself unpacking your own motives after you say something that might even just be arbitrary. Recently I have been daydreaming a lot about an alternate universe where I am very powerful (and sarcastic)... and I think that sort of proves that I am self absorbed. I also took an online quiz test about how self-centered I am and I got like a 25 out of 30 on it!!! Luckily I didn't get any points in the manipulatory part of the test, but it feels weird to be self aware of such a thing. How many other people that I may know also be secretly very self absorbed but are aware of it and are making the choice to stop?? I don't even know if I AM self absorbed, like for sure, because in the end it was just an online quiz and some things I think of recently. WHATEVER!!!! I'll think more about this later, I have a zoom meeting to get to.
Today is shaping up to be another nothing day. I think I can't keep blaming this on quarantine, and I'm afraid once it's all over I'll still feel the same on days like these... I feel like a cat pacing around a tiny cage. The internet is so artificial and nutritionless but now it's most of the world I live in. I have to get out!! I have to work at a grocery store or meet my friends or explore an abandoned quarry or something!! But the thing is, the main reason for my slothness isn't the restrictions anyway, because I can of course work ata grocery store or meet my friends or explore an abandoned quarry with a mask on. The real reason is that I simply don't have the motivation. Like, I can only want to do something instead of actually doing it. It is TOOTALLY the mentol iwness.
ANOTHER THING: I think going to my therapist isn't really doing anything? Like there's only so much to talk about, and it all relies on literally if I can remember what we talked about or not. Also the medication my therapist is giving me isn't really doing anything, it only makes me feel worse when I'm not on it rather than better when I AM on it. Do you see the problem??? I know I'm not stuck here but it sure feels like it. I hope I can maintain being self aware about my circumstances, because if I stop at any time, that will be the point of no return.
I think today so far is looking up! I had an AWFUL day yesterday (it was so boring... all I did was sit in an auditorium for like 8 hours) so of course today is a lot better in comparison. ALSO!! I made some new friends today, they're very fun to talk to and they seem like a good friend group to be in!! Unfortunately I feel like I don't really fit in with them, because they have a lot of differences from me that I think they became friends because of. Oh well, either way I will see what happens. Today we were talking about countries and food and for some reason it seems like we talk about countries and food every time we meet up with one another. Is that just Our Thing?? That seems nice, but I'd rather have more Things to be honest............ I also want to form a club with them where we all meet up on Fridays to walk around the city and to just see what we discover. I don't know if it will be possible but I'm definitely looking foreward to it if it ever really happens!
Right now I'm having a less-good day than usual, and luckily the weather agrees with me that today is very gloomy. I woke up with my room feeling really crusty in like an energy-wise way. It was like when you wake up and have that crust in your eyes but it was the air in the room. I felt itchy and crumb-y even though there weren't crumbs in my room. I think I'm feeling better now, but honestly I'm still sullen. It's at times like these I wish I had a friend who lived in my same building, and I could go over to their house and hang out. I think that would be fun... but oh well.
I've also been thinking about the future of New York City a lot this morning, and I don't know if it was the coffee, but it was really making me nervous. Because of coronavirus many upper-classes people are leaving for smaller cities or have left already. I bought this book on New York's recent history and the author says that the pandemic is comparable to the 70's Fiscal Crisis. I haven't read far enough to figure out what the Fiscal Crisis is but it sounds serious. OK I just looked it up, and apparently it is when basically the city couldn't afford to exist anymore and sort of fell apart. I think that might just be what's happening right now. The city is too afraid to tax the rich (who are, by the way, making NY even MORE expensive) even though the rich could really afford paying their fair share. From this article: "Today, New York is on the verge of another great dismantling, with the mayor considering huge layoffs and the MTA weighing massive service cuts as the federal government dithers and the state resists any discussion of raising taxes on its wealthiest citizens—whose portfolios have swelled during the pandemic—because it fears they will abandon New York for places where it is cheaper to be rich."Well that sure is something. At least now they're leaving because of Covid-19... but is that even good or bad? Either way, I think something very big is slowly coming towards us and the feeling grows greater every day. Am I just thinking about it a little too much? There has to be someone who is feeling the same. I should talk to my friends about it, I think they'd have something to say and I want to listen to it.
IN OTHER NEWS. I made some new friends the other day and I am beginning to talk to my old ones more. So that's pretty good :)
See you next time! Houg
Today I woke up feeling great. It was probably because I had a very interesting dream. My dream was about watching a movie about some sort of futuristic team of people trying to save the city from a scary organization. I remember only one character extremely clearly, she was the main hero of the movie and since me and my sister had known her before real life and the movie diverged I paid attention to her a lot. She also looked like someone from my cross country team last year. Anyways, the villains were these two girls who were best friends in kindergarten but then combined energies in middle school to activate their ultimate power. Their ultimate power was to cause massive waves to hit the coast of the city, so massive that people put up tall hills to keep them from flooding the city. But no matter how tall they made the hills a bit of water would still spray through. It was pretty wild. The main hero also had a friend, a man with a face my subconcious stole from a video game. He was very handsome but not in a celebrity way, more like a "just some guy" way if you know what I mean? Anyways, when a missile the kindergarten besties hit a wall next to him a chunk of concrete from the ceiling fell down and hit him. So the main hero had to clone him to bring him back! I don't remember why because in the dream my sister turned off the show and started playing minecraft on the tv. So that was my dream! I wonder if I'll ever see the heroes or the villanous besties ever again in another dream. I've never had a reacurring character in my dreams (one that I completely made up, I mean) but I hope I do after this!!!
Today and yesterday I have been listening to a lot of Jack Stauber's music while not paying attention to my schoolwork. It feels GREAT!!! I think his music is very unique and remind me of musical theater but cooler and more incomphrehensible. He's like a one-man chorus, with a capablitity to stretch his voice wide and thin. His beard is also pretty cool. I sort of want to be like him one day because it's obvious he's being himself but not even in a "what's your brand" way, he's just vibing!! And I admire it. ALSO: I'm thinking of adding something new to this page because it's getting a little old, the main page especially. I want to change around the colors or the shape and font of the elements. Maybe something very green-themed instead of yellow? Also I want to figure out how to make a custom audio player for the music at the top of my home page because I need to add the credit to it somehow. IN OTHER NEWS... It's a very nice day outside today and I want to take advantage of that somehow because I KNOW it's going to start raining like crazy once April (or like, the essence of April) comes to the present. What I mean by the essence of April is like the feeling of it being April. You know how sometimes the holiday spirit in December might come early or late? That's the essence of December! The calendar has mostly nothing to do with it except that it named the essences to tell them apart I think. Well, I definitely can feel the essence of March. It's like late autumn but if winter came first. You know? The in-between seasons (Spring, Autumn) always have a very potent yet similar yet strange vibe to it all. SO YEAH! I've also been having a GREAT day in terms of Thursdays, so far nothing too serious has gone on. Most of the time the amount of classes I have today overwhelm me but that hasn't happened today. I hope it stays like this for the rest of the day! To whoever may be reading this: I hope you have as good of a day today as I am :).
have a great afternoon, Houg
I'm feeling better today which is nice. I made a GREAT smoked salmon and salad and garlic cream cheese sandwich today which tasted amazing partly because the toast I put it on was cooked in the perfect way. At first I was concerned about how one side had been cooked completely and the other side very clean and unaffected but THEN I had an idea: I decided to put the toasted part on the outside so that it would have a crunchy exterior and a soft inside :). I think that was a pretty smart decision not gonna lie. Also, I want to go to the aquarium with my friends soon, I think it would be fun :] but we will see. It might not be open because of the virus but I'll take a look RIGHT AT THIS VERY MOMENT.
the end of today's entry!!!
Ok so I was originally going to make this page on my site as like a diary from the perspective of one of my ocs but I don't really know what to put in it so I guess it'll just be a regular blogging page from now on if that makes sense. Also I stole this page layout from here because I thought it looked neat. It does right?? Now all I have to do is code in links from the other pages to here. Or perhaps I'll keep this part secret.... anyways.
Today has been a really crummy day. All I did today was wake up from a gross dream and sit in front of my computer for probably over 6 hours, melting my brain on tumblr. I tried to do some creative writing but I had to stop because my mindset for it was ruined when I found out something bad about a song I liked. AND to top it all off there's an annoying sour taste in my mouth. bleh. But I think tomorrow will be better because I'm going to go to the museum with my mom which will be the first time I stepped outside in like a whole WEEK... or maybe just a few days... I don't know. Like veryone else during quarantine my perception of time is really really off.
During this time (just like this whole month and the one before it) I have been thinking a lot about what I remember and what I forget. And I think about which days I'm going to view as a blur and which days I will remember afterwards. I think today will be a day I forget. sigh... I should really be writing this down on paper. I have to stop looking at screens all day!!! who cares if I can't finish homework that way!! It's for HEALTH!!!!!
Frustratedly and tiredly, Houg
